- What defines you?
- What gives meaning to you?
- What are you meant to do with your life?
Find your two core values, and everything will fall into place
Values are beliefs that guide and motivate us to act one way or another.
We may be predisposed to adopt the values that we were raised with. And there are many who tend to believe that those values are “right” because they are the values of their particular culture.
But values are not something to be judged. They are neither morally good nor bad.
As a concept, a value is abstract.
And yet, a value carries great relevance to each of us. Because values are so fundamental in representing the qualities we choose to embody, values are inextricably interwoven with our sense of self.
But what is our sense of ‘self’, in essence? Is it what we think, what we believe or who we are?
In his book “Think Again“, Adam Grant invites us to separate our opinions from our identity.
He suggests that who we are should be a question of what we value; not we believe.
If, for example, we define ourselves as ‘irresponsible’ because we’ve been irresponsible in the past, becoming attached to this belief does not help us escape it and improve who we are.
If we choose, instead, to view ourselves as someone who values mental flexibility or curiosity, we will pave the way towards personal growth.
The Value of ‘Values’ in Your Life
Values empower us into evolving as human beings. Like a beacon they help us find direction and purpose.
They also support us in withstanding adversity and making wiser, more informed, choices
But what happens when our thoughts, life-choices, and direction don’t honour our core values?
When we stop listening to our intuition and act without embodying our true selves?
When we live outside our values, we tend to feel more stressed and dispirited.
Think about, for instance, a situation where someone said or did something that you strongly disagreed with, but you didn’t speak out. Did you feel bad afterwards for not speaking your mind?
Living in Alignment with Your Values
Our core values are fundamental in that they ground us in a way of being that is the closest to who we really are.
When we operate from a place that honours are values, something magical happens: we tend to function and act with ease. Somehow, decisions are easier to make, and an, often unintended, focus keeps us in our path.
And this is what living in alignment with our values is all about, acting from a place of calm, of knowing and of clarity.
It also has a direct impact on how we feel about ourselves.
When we’re aligned with our values, we tend to be more confident and more fulfilled. Research suggests that when thinking about our values our stress levels decrease, and we feel safer and more content.
Although values exist, not everyone is aware of them, recognises them, or knows what to do with them.
If this is the case, you may want to have a look at the ‘Aligning Your Life with Your Core Values’ exercise.
The exercise will enable you to name the values and understand what they are.
It will also help you to understand what your life looks and feels like when you’re aligned with them, and what it looks and feels like when you are not.
It is also a resource you can go back to, as you’re learning to transform values from intangible concepts into actions, or when you need to review them later in your life.
It is helpful to remember that there is no rule about how many values we hold in our life. Almost all of them could be important and speak to you. You may identify as many of them as you prefer.
But it’s important to select the final two, the are the ones that define you at your best, and which you use to filter through your decisions.
Deconstructing Your Values
Values we live by are often taught by our parents: we learn to value what they value. For many, it is the cultural values that dictate their behaviour.
To fully understand the values you live by, it is necessary to deconstruct those you inherited first, so that you can determine the ones that you truly hold. Looking inward with honesty will help you do that.
Deconstructing helps you to understand that the value which guides you is the one you believe in, not what was instilled by your environment.
Embracing The North Star & Its Dark Shadow
Your values are your North Star. But beyond identifying your North Star, you may want to explore what’s hidden.
If you choose to embrace something, what do you choose to reject? Just like in nature, everything in life works in balance.
Embracing values such as generosity and kindness comes with the inherent risk of experiencing a dark side of resentment.
When you consider a value, or character trait you uphold in your life, ask yourself: “And the opposite of that?”
Because whether consciously or not, the opposite – or the shadow side – of any value will be working in the background to compensate for what you consciously try to nurture.
“I will never be selfish or unkind” you may protest.
But when you constantly push yourself to be generous and kind, going out of your way to fulfil your value, there is another force of equal and opposite reaction, wanting to reclaim its rightful place: “But what about me?”
Therefore, in the process of embracing our positive core values, the work is incomplete without exploring what we might be rejecting.
Carl Jung’s life’s work was dedicated not to people’s values, but to their ‘Shadow’.
Our true potential is uncovered when we can see, accept, and embrace our ‘Shadow’.
An integrated human doesn’t live generously, but in a balancing act between generosity and selfishness.
Benjamin was right. As human beings, we grow and evolve, and in doing so, we may, quite reasonably, have to review our decisions and reshape our direction.
In such a case, we re-examine our values and may have to reset those ones which do not bring us the meaning, happiness, and fulfilment they once did.
Hollow Rhetoric
Claiming to hold certain values and acting in ways that don’t reflect them is just hollow rhetoric.
Action matters! All the rhetoric in the world is meaningless if it does not lead to difference.
Honest self-reflection is essential to living into our real values and making our difference, no matter how small or big. This is how our actions will cement and drive our purpose.
What About You?
If you are reflecting on your values, you may find the questions below helpful. Ask yourself:
What is important to me about my life/career?
What is it about this which makes it important?
When did I decide it was important?
What matters most to me?
What annoys me the most? What is it about that which causes me to feel that way?
What have been the highs/lows in my life/career?
What made them stand out?
What was the emotion happening at that time?
How did I use that emotion?
What would my top five values be?
How are my values being/not being honoured in my life/career?
What’s an example of a time when I was fully living into my value?
What is missing?
What inspires me?
What challenges me?
What gives me the courage to continue in times of uncertainty and adversity?
We’d Like to Learn from You
If you would like to share your thoughts about values, or their presence in your life, we’d love to hear from you.
Feel free to drop us a line at: info@emotionsreframed.com
