Random thoughts about the ghost of loneliness
Loneliness is hard. It is hard to bear, hard to mask and hard to cope with: an emotional state that leaves you feeling empty, disconnected, or unwanted.
Sometimes you may not even be aware you are lonely. You’re feeling sad or having a tightness in your chest. And still have no idea what may be causing it.
You may feel lonely because you’ve lost – or never met – your father, or because you lost a friendship with someone you thought was a good friend, but, in fact, wasn’t.
The Different Nuances of Loneliness
You may feel lonely as a student in a new school, or you may feel lonely as an elderly widower.
As a student, you may feel lonely because you haven’t made any friends yet, when everyone else has; there is no one to care for you, or you think there isn’t. If you are a college student, you could feel lonely because you are away from home, for the first time.
And as a lonely student, you may use social media to compensate for the lack of real-world, active friendships, and this, in turn, alienates you further.
But, as a student, you have much to hope for. You have time.
As an elderly widower, you may feel lonely because your life’s companion is no longer sitting next to you. No one to speak with at the breakfast table, share a meal, plan a holiday, no one to link or think with, no one to live for. You may feel lonely because your children and grandchildren have their own life, perhaps living far away.
The grim reality is not just the empty seat at the table, or the absence of conversations or the planning of the next holiday that makes you sad. It’s the missing relationship. As you are living the winter of your life, it’s the realisation of time which you no longer have, which pronounces the sense of loneliness.
Almost everyone in the world has experienced loneliness. And as our loneliness is a personal emotion, unique to each of us individually, everyone’s experience of it will be different.
Yet, there is a common thread running through the narratives of most lonely people: they won’t admit they are lonely.
Loneliness – The Secret We Share
Like a ghost, loneliness is for many the dark shadow we lock in the basement of our mind, in a box labelled: ‘do not open’.
It is our favourite feeling to hide and ignore, among other painful emotions we’d like to get rid of.
Loneliness is scary. It’s a ghost that carries a stigma; an internalised one, influenced by cultural and social environments. Lonely people internalise the negative stereotypes of loneliness and this only aggravates their own loneliness, and, worse, makes them want to hide it.
Lonely people feel ashamed of their loneliness. They hide it because they believe – they feel – it makes them unlikable or insufficient, that they lack social skills and connections. So, they mask it.
Fear Is Keeping Us Apart
We live in an age in which we exist apart.
“So, I feel lonely. Why? Not always clear.
Divorce, moving to another country, being different, job loss, loss of loved ones, the pandemic… so many reasons for me, for you, to feel lonely.
Lonely. Abandoned. Left behind. Ignored. The painfulness of disconnection.
I feel lonely without people and sometimes I feel lonely around people.
Why? I don’t know.
– And what if I reach out?
– Everyone is busy.
– Will someone be there, for me?
– Will they understand?
– Will they care?
– Will they judge me?
– What if they reject me?”
Fear. Again.
Loneliness is a reality for millions of people around the world. And it has intensified during the Covid-19 pandemic.
How can we change a mentality driven by fear, to one driven by love?
My hope is that we can all become more aware of our relationship with ourselves and our own place in the loneliness universe.
My hope is that we can find the courage to rewrite the role we all play in one another’s life.
What about you?
How does your experience with loneliness – if any – affect your life?
How do you feel about showing your true self to the world?
What would happen if you reached out, allowing others to support you?
How does putting on an act, like you have it all together feel?
Further Reading
The Guardian: Loneliness: coping with the gap where friends used to beBook: Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World
We’d Like to Learn from You
If you would like to share your thoughts about or your experience of loneliness, we’d love to hear from you. Feel free to drop us a line at: info@emotionsreframed.com
